Fic rec - Those Second Thoughts You Asked For

[sakura_no_miko]

Title: Those Second Thoughts You Asked For

Author: akisazame

Fandom: Yuri!!! on Ice

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Victor/Yuuri

Warnings: mild sexuality

Other notes: au, magical realism

Length: 7k + sequels

Summary: The first time Victor skips backwards in time, he is fourteen years old.

 

Oh, my gosh, I have such a backlog of YoI fics. I kind of hit the worst of my, um, inability to do anything remotely resembling work around the time this show came out. I mean, it’s been a slow decline over the last decade. Stopped writing fic, stopped watching anime, stopped writing fic recs, just…sort of stopped doing everything for a bit.

Then I marathoned this show right before an anime convention. I just needed to do something, and people were raving about this show. The theme song always puts a grin on my face because it is the bubbliest poppiest shit. Well, maybe the ending is the poppiest? IDK, they are both grin-inducing.

And I really enjoyed it. I mean, I will admit, this show is Romcoms 101. I can tell it was written and directed by women. I’ve seen this exact story in multiple Hallmark movies. Shoot, I even remember seeing The Cutting Edge as a kid. That movie was gone from my mind for years until Blades of Glory parodied it. But, ah. It’s a story of someone fighting against depression to get out there and do something again, and, well.  

Here I am, writing again.

Still, because I read a ton of fic but didn’t start up writing again until recently, my backlog is immense and long.

But I want to write more recs. It is an odd hobby, when I think about it — writing and writing over something I didn’t create. But it gives me a sense of purpose. I want to cheerlead and analyze and fangirl. Ah, well. Those who can’t write, rec, I suppose. It’s something.

So, I’m gonna start with a short fic. We’ll chip away at my backlog, slowly but surely.

This story is simultaneously fascinating and horrifying, man. I admit, I have a perfectionist streak. It’s probably the number one issue I have with writing. First off, I’m a terrible, horrifically bad typist, so trying to get all the words onto the screen and seeing nothing but constant red drives me bonkers. Second, even once I get the words out, I spend an eternity writing and re-writing the same sentence until I like it. Which is exactly the opposite of what most people will tell you — first draft should be word splatter, and you clean and cut it up later. I’ve tried. It’s extremely difficult for me to write without stopping to change things. Sometimes I don’t even finish writing the sentence before I’m changing it.

So imagining myself in Victor’s shoes is nothing short of horrifying. I can only imagine my anxiety would get worse — rewinding time would probably mean I’d find new and inventive ways to put my foot in my mouth. I’ve always preferred typing and texting to talking for exactly that reason — I need that time to find the correct words to say. Talking, to me — all talking, mind you — feels like constant improv. Constantly trying to think and understand and talk in a socially appropriate amount of time.

I like this early passage:

Victor is a forgetful person, partially by nature, partially as force of habit; having the ability to rewind time means that not everything in his memory is something that has ended up happening. This, he thinks, might be the main reason he can't forget about Yuuri Katsuki: he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that everything that happened during the banquet, for better or worse, actually happened. Despite this, every time he considers finding some way to contact Yuuri, to follow up on the drunken promise they made, Victor can't make himself do it. There's a dark feeling looming over him, something so large and ominous that it takes him months to even be able to identify it.

He can't remember the last time he felt afraid. Yuuri Katsuki makes him afraid.

Now, here’s a question. I also have a bad-ish memory, and recently I’ve come to wonder if it’s because of my anxiety. Given time, I will flashback to every thing I think I’ve messed up on. I wonder if I force myself not to remember things just out of sheer self-preservation instinct. Can’t talk myself into a self-loathing spiral if I don’t remember what I’m angry about, yeah? Or if it’s because I have a fairly creative mind. I spend so long trying to figure out what to say I forget if I actually said it out loud. Or if it’s just because my day-to-day routine is so mundane. I don’t remember small talk because I say the same thing to everyone, everyday.

It’s only mildly terrifying if I think about it too long.

Oh, and this part:

The thing about being able to rewind time is that it's very easy to learn about people. Some respond well to humor, while others find it offensive. Some want to be comforted, while others find it demeaning. With anyone else, Victor has infinite chances to learn the correct response for each person in every possible scenario. But with Yuuri, Victor doesn't get any shortcuts.

If Victor wants to learn about Yuuri, he has to try a little harder.

Victor wants to learn about Yuuri very, very much.

This one speaks to me too. I have this notion in the back of my head — if I wanted to be social, if I was willing to put in the work, I could…I could treat it just like a video game. Keep a notebook with names and coffee preferences jotted down. It feels like that would come off as terribly creepy, but. But. Honestly, with social media — I have a suspicion that people are doing just that. Birthdays, food preferences, likes and dislikes — you can sneak a peek whenever you need and not come off looking like a creep.  

There is also — well, I’m sure this is very obvious, but you notice that nearly every time Victor stops time with someone else, it’s because he starts off by saying what he genuinely thinks: I want to retire, I don’t want to go to the banquet. Then he reverses, flashes that perfect smile, and gives his companion exactly what they want to hear instead. Powerful metaphor for life, isn’t it? To literally erase every time you openly say what you want in favor of a practiced smile and acquiescing to exactly what other people want or need.

Which, speaking of:

If Victor could rewind time while in the Yuuri Field, he thinks as he watches the warm up before the free skate in Okayama, he would have kissed Yuuri Katsuki hundreds of times already. He doesn't know how many of those kisses would have been erased from Yuuri's memory, but Victor knows that he, at least, would have savored each and every one. He's lost track of the number of times he's wanted to throw his arms around Yuuri's waist and suck his anxiously trembling lower lip into his mouth, or bury his face into Yuuri's neck and run his teeth along his smooth skin, or even just lean over into Yuuri's space and press the softest kiss to his cheek. But he doesn't know how Yuuri will react, so he refrains, though not without effort.

Yes, I’m thinking video games are an appropriate reference at this point, because how many times have I rebooted a game just to change something a tiny bit? I’ve always been back-and-forth on using game guides. For the most part, I like to play a game mostly blind the first time, then use a guide for the second run. But at the same time, it gets so frustrating to know you’re missing out on things. And also, usually you don’t  understand the game fully until you’ve played it. Someone can tell you, oh, do this, use this strategy, but until you actually grasp the game mechanics, it’s kind of useless. Sometimes you just have to experience something, do it wrong, to completely understand it.

Which, ah, Victor doesn’t quite grasp.

Though, also — his power lets him learn things, but no one else does. That’s also got to be terribly alienating. Not only is his head mixed up with things he did and didn’t do, no one else is progressing at the same rate that he is. No one gets to see his mistakes, or the things he hides. No one gets to comfort him, because he runs away from his mistakes and his pain and literally overwrites them from existence.

Man, there is so much to think about for a relatively short fic, and that just amazes me. Really cool.

I’ve got too many YoI fic recs to list. Instead, I will make an effort to get off my butt and write them.

 

(Looking for more fic recs?)
Crossposted to pillowfort