Fic rec - How Could You Possibly

[sakura_no_miko]

Title: How Could You Possibly?

Author: anfiasco

Fandom: Neon Genesis Evangelion (Rebuild movies)

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Shinji/Kaworu

Warnings: underage sex (high school), depression/anxiety

Other notes: high school, music

Length: 30k

Summary: Shinji is tired with no motivation and even less confidence, lost and exhausted and alone in his day to day drone. Kaworu transfers into his high school turns his world completely upside down, in the sweetest way possible. 

My thoughts:

 

So, I haven't written a fic rec in a while. Kind of bad time. Lost the motivation to write fic, then lost the motivation to even write fic recs. I thought, okay, let's start small. You've got a lot of fics you can re-read, so do a rec each week or so. I even had my first rec picked out.

That was a few weeks ago.

And so I found myself on a quiet night, thinking, just do it. Write. Just pick something. And, well. 

This is one of my comfort fics. It's one I've got saved to my phone. I've just read it and read it, and — 

Well, long story short, I've been depressed for a good long while,and I could never actually bring myself to watch Evangelion. I knew it by reputation — “get in the robot Shinji,” and all. But I was always scared to watch it, because Shinji is depressed, and everyone hates Shinji, and really I didn't want to see all my own issues laid out on screen. 

This should probably be a meta or a rant on it's own, but up until recently, with One Punch Man and Yuri on Ice showing a more sympathetic version of depression, I – I keep thinking to myself, if Evangelion had been the only depiction I'd seen, if all I'd ever known was people saying “I hate Shinji, he's a wimp, he's a coward,” I don't know that I'd be dealing with my own depression as well. 

Still. The one thing about Evangelion that wormed its way into my heart was a piece of music —  “Beautiful World” from the reboot movies, which is a love song for Shinji Ikari. For me, the song is like being wrapped up in a warm hug. It's a song about someone loving Shinji. Unequivocally, completely, innocently, obsessively. As soon as I read the lyrics, I knew that it was a love song to Shinji. It didn't hit me until much later that it was meant to be Kaworu singing it.

Which, I grant, is not the healthiest relationship, and kind of throws some of the lyrics into question, but still. 

After that long intro, this fic is just — comforting. I recognize a lot of Shinji's behaviors in this fic, and there's just this constant malaise, of something being wrong, and knowing it's wrong, but just being unable to change anything. 

The entire first section is just bleak and lovely, but particularly this bit:

He hated himself, he was weak, this wasn't how he wanted to live his life... But Shinji wasn't at the breaking point. He could live like this. Hell, he had for years,nothing had changed. And though he tried to will himself to standup and do something!, his rational side reasoned you really don't have to. Its' too much work. In the long run, who cares?

He didn't have to change anything, in fact it wasn't worth the effort to do so.

Writing angst is difficult, because you run the risk of either going too far into melodrama, or not making the issue seem important enough. And depression does both — it makes the small things seem big and inescapable, but it can also make you just numb to everything. And here in a couple of sentences, we get the full gamut of those emotional reactions.

I also really liked this passage:

"You're sure you won't play for me?" A tug on Shinji's hand, urging him to get up and perhaps lead the other to the instrument he played.

"I'd rather not."

"Oh." Kaworu sighed, sitting back down in the plastic back chair. "Alright, if you truly don't want to."

I want to though? Confused and unable to share exactly what he meant, Shinji remained silent. It wasn't that he didn't want Kaworu to hear him play, he would love to play for him, it was just... what if he messed up, or wasn't good, or annoyed others by playing too loud? I can't right now.Maybe... maybe later.

I re-read that part and went, oh. Oh. Not entirely unlike how I'm sitting here, thinking I should write fic recs, because I love reading fic and I love sharing fic and I can't seem to open a word document. 

Then of course, there's the relationship. This fic is interesting, because it does seem to be a completely normal high school AU. One of the fan theories regarding the movies is that the movie verse, and the tv verse, are all the result of Kaworu being in a time loop and trying different ways to create a happier ending. So there are a lot of high school AU fics that subtly reference, oh, this isn't the first time, or Kaworu remembers something about Shinji, or has some, you know, reason.

But here, it's just the very pleasing fantasy that, hey, even a depressed guy who feels like he has nothing to offer can find someone who just loves him for no other reason than, well, people fall in love. They communicate, eventually. They fumble quite a bit. It's all awkward teenage first love, but still a delight to read.

Of course, the other big point I enjoy is that Shinji's recovery — well, I'm not even sure if “recovery”is the right word — comes in fits and bursts. It's obvious he's still having issues by the end of the fic, but at least he's starting to see that his mental health issues aren't a terrible yawning void just waiting to suck him up forever. He's made progress with himself,with Kaworu, with the rest of his friends. 

Anyway like I said, this is a pure comfort fic for me. I've got a few more Evangelion fics, then I might segue into Yuri on Ice or My Hero Academia, depending on where the mood takes me. Hm. More depression fics, or something a little more light-hearted. Not sure yet.

 

(Looking for more fic recs?)
Originally crossposted to tumblr and pillowfort on 09/02/18