Fic rec - but i've got an angry heart

[sakura_no_miko]

Title: but I’ve got an angry heart

Author: newamsterdam

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Bakugou/Kirishima

Warnings: mental health issues, self-hatred/self-destructive behavior, minor violence

Other notes: AU, no powers, college, roommates, character study, hurt/recovery

Length: 40k

Summary: 

He’s about to open his door to go to the shared bathroom on this floor when he notices the scrap of paper that’s been pushed under his door. It’s a salmon-colored flashcard, the type that’s sold in 500-packs with multiple colors. Bakugou stoops to retrieve it, frowning at the message he finds written on it.

Hey neighbor, welcome to the house! I heard you knocking things around, yesterday, and I think you maybe punched a wall? Anyway, the landlady gets pissy if you put holes in the wall, but I have a punching bag! You can come over and use it, or I can move it into the hall, if you want!

There’s only one other bedroom on the fourth floor. Now, Bakugou crosses the hall to the bedroom on the right side, slamming the post-it note against the door.

Fuck off and die, it reads.

Bakugou Katsuki is not going to jeopardize his future a second time, and that means staying away from anyone who gets too close. Kirishima Eijirou has never learned how not to be close to someone. Of course, they end up as next-door neighbors.

 

Oh, Bakugou. Have I mentioned my feelings about him before? He’s is such a fascinating character, especially from a writing perspective. He is straight-up a dick. He’s prideful as hell. He’s angry to the point of being abusive. And yet he’s fascinating. Because everyone around him knows he’s a dick, and they call him out on it. And yet — and yet — being a dick is his greatest strength at times. Being prideful. Being angry. You point Bakugou at a villain, you get into a situation where it seems like everyone should be giving up, and he will straight-up fight to the death His pride and his anger make him relentless.

And — spoilers for, um, season 3? Late season 2? IDK the episodes —

Spoilers

And Bakugou, despite his anger, will never become a villain. They set him up to be tempted, to be alienated, to be consumed by his faults — and he tells the villains to fuck right off, because his life is dedicated to being a hero.

End spoilers

Reminds me a lot of Yuri Plisetsky in Yuri!!! On Ice, although the biggest difference I noticed is that, while both of them are prideful little spitfires, Yuri is surrounded by much older peers, so they kind of laugh his attitude off, like, yeah, I remember being young and angry and insecure, he’ll grow out of it. Whereas Bakugou is surrounded by his peers, and we see how his lashing out directly hurts the people around him. A lot.

Also, both Bakugou and Yuri tend to be paired up with way more chill dudes.

I was reading a livewatch of BokuAca, and there was a comment that stuck with me. I think it was after Kirishima was introduced, and someone mentioned that Bakugou and Kirishima was a popular ship. Someone commented, man, I wouldn’t ship anyone with Bakugou, because they’d have to put up with his myriad of emotional issues.

And, wow, have there been some excellent fics all about taking Bakugou and his emotional issues apart.  

And just — man, this fic just makes me happy. Well. Happy but also sad? I know a lot of people who have anger issues. Explosive anger issues, sometimes. I can’t really excuse their behavior, and I’m definitely not going to argue that it isn’t abusive, or potentially abusive, but — I kinda get it? I’ve got implosive anger, myself. I rage at myself, I keep grudges, I get bitter. I’ve never been a person who could punch a wall, but I’ve known people like that.

But you know, they’re still people I have relationships with, and if I could refer them to a therapist, or get them to learn another outlet, well. I wish I could.

So I’m kind of living vicariously through Bakugou, here. I like to see him start in a place where he is angry, and vicious, and full of self-loathing and being dragged by the damn teeth to therapy, and reparations, and school, and eventually something breaks through.

And, you know, I loved Yuri!!! On Ice. That was similar — that was about someone who was anxious and depressed and had to break through it. It’s just a bit more sweet and rom-com-y, which is also really good. It feels happier, in a way. Less complicated, I think — kind of easier to sympathize with depression than anger. Depression is less…outwardly violent. Hating yourself seem sympathetic; hating other people takes you to that fine line of, am I helping someone or enabling their abusive behavior?

But that’s the part that you don’t always get about health. Mental health. You have to reach that point where you decide you want to change. You want to get sober, you want to get therapy, you want to change. And even after reaching that point, it’s a struggle for pretty much the rest of your life. Progress. Falling back into bad habits. Trying to find a new way to live that’s better, at least.

Holy hell this fic just shows all of that. That entire journey. And it still lets Bakugou be unsympathetic. And yet — sympathetic.

So good.

Hard to pick a single scene to quote, but:

“You kissed me, first!” Kirishima reminds him.

His expression clouds over in thought for only a moment. “Well, obviously. Only because you were pissing me off!”

“I pissed you off, so you kissed me?” Kirishima retracts any previous thoughts he may have had about learning to understand Bakugou. This is too ridiculous, and even though he knows it’s a bad idea, Kirishima bursts out laughing.

Bakugou throws a pillow at his head. “Oi, shit-for-brains, listen. It made sense for me to kiss you. It doesn’t make sense that you’d kiss me.”

Kirishima turns over this latest piece of Bakugou-logic in his head. “Is that a fact?” he asks. He thinks there’s a lot of truth hidden in what Bakugou has just said, even if what the actual words were incorrect. “Hey— you know I like you, right? I wouldn’t have kept coming around, otherwise.”

That’s not entirely true. Kirishima had a friendly interest in Bakugou long before he had a crush. Even if those feelings had never developed, he’d still have tried to make sure that Bakugou was okay. But it seems like the right thing to say, right now, especially if he’s trying to prove something to the most stubborn person on the planet.

“You’re an idiot who’s friendly with fucking everyone,” Bakugou says, seeing right through him.

Kirishima shrugs, smiles guilelessly. “Maybe.”

I love how Bakugou is very forthright — he says things quick and to the point, and yet there’s so much undercurrent going on. I like that it's Kirishima's empathy, his willingngess to try and understand, that works here--because that's a good metpahor for being in a relationship, of course. Learning how someone else works, what shaped them into who they are. But it's also intersting to look at it from a mental health standpoint. You think of the term "neuro-divergent" or "neuro-atypical," this idea that someone's mind may not work the way we, as society, consider to be "normal." Understanding how a person's mental conditions affect their feelings and behavior is helpful in learning how to control or embrace or whatever you need to do to make peace or progress with your condition. Ach, I feel like that's not written well. 

Anyway, I’m rambling. I enjoyed this fic.

There was another one, too — I ran through a lot of BokuAca fic in a short amount of time, but the first really good Bakugou fic I read was a heart swelled to bursting. I need to re-read it before I do a decent rec, but it was another great character study.

If you need a pick-me-up, I’ve read so many great ensemble fics - history has its eyes on you, A Dysfunctional Family but a Family Nonetheless, could I but teach the hundreth part, and downhill.

Huh. Non-capitalized titles seem to be hip these days.

Oh, and — this is a bit more of a long shot rec, but Being There. Old Gundam Wing fic, dealing with recovering from alcoholism. Little angsty, but still a lot of that friendship/recovery buddies/please god get together vibe.

 
Looking for more fic recs?

Originally posted on pillowfort on 01/25/19