Fic Rec - Maybe

[sakura_no_miko]

Title: Maybe

Author: TGP

Fandom: Neon Genesis Evangelion

Rating: PG-13 (with an R-rated sequel)

Pairing: Kaworu/Shinji, Shinji/others

Warnings: character death (it’s a reincarnation fic), some body horror, suicidal thoughts

Other notes: reincarnation, alternate universe, post-canon, post-apocalypse

Length: 20k, plus sequels

Summary: Tabris is the angel of free will. He thinks maybe it's time to use it.

My thoughts:

 

So, if you read my last rec, Graduation Day — this may well be what’s happening off screen. Every time Kaworu leaves and comes back defeated. This fic gives you a glimpse of that. We get to see a handful of the lives he lives, and by the time he starts to realize, oh, I might be human now, it seems fitting. His experiences have made him more human. That’s kind of the thing with Kaworu is canon — he doesn’t get to hang around long enough to really develop a personality. Is he sincere? Is he manipulative? He looks human-shaped, but he’s really an Angel, the same creature attacking the human race.

The progression of this fic is really nice.

Um. I may have to do some spoilers? I feel like this is a great fic for character development.

Yes. Spoilers for the ending follow.

Kaworu starts off being self-sacrificing, devoted to Shinji is every life he reincarnates into — he lets himself die to protect Shinji, he watches Shinji fall in love with other people, but he never gets dissuaded away from Shinji.

And this isn’t the right course of action.

No, by the end of the fic, where Kaworu truly has to choose to become human, to live up to his title as the Angle of Free Will, he — well, let me quote a couple parts:

“I want to grow up with you. Grow old with you.” He’s smiling so wide that his face hurts. “I want to be with you. I don’t care where. But I won’t live for you any longer.”

When he opens his eyes, Shinji looks stricken. He wishes he could soothe the broken lines in Shinji, but he can’t. He can only protect that fragile heart.

 “You deserve a real person by your side,” he explains gently. “And I want to be real.”

Which — Which — is giving me all sorts of bad high school flashbacks, because that was the sort of love I used to idealize when I was younger. To give yourself completely over to someone else. But you get older and you realize it’s not a healthy sort of love, like Kaworu does here. It’s better to have two people, healthy and whole, making each other better.

Ach, this makes me want to rant about the concept of love in Tokyo Babylon or the Madoka movie but this is neither the time nor the place.

Oh, and this other piece from the ending:

“It's better to try than to run away.” Shinji turns away, gripping his arms tight. “I won't run away... but I won't tell you that you can't.”

And, Kaworu senses, he wouldn't vilify him if he did. He thinks about that, the nature of what he is now and what his choices mean, because it is his choice. He's free to make it and Shinji is giving him full autonomy in a way few have ever allowed to himself, much less to Kaworu.

Agh, reusing Shinji’s most famous line, but making it — making it that starting point of their new relationship. The feels. That’s the line that was, like, the embodiment of depression for so long—it was Shinji, desperately saying, “I can’t run away, I can’t run away” when he was thrown into terrible situation after terrible situation. And just in that one line, this whole fic that was focused on Kaworu suddenly shows us just how much growth Shinji went through at the same time. Shinji has finally reached a point where he’s not just telling himself he has to fight, he can actually stand there and be confident. But also there’s so much forgiveness, because he’s offering Kaworu the chance to run, and he doesn’t see it as a weakness anymore. Sorry, man, but the feels. In one line.

This fic has, like, just the right amount of angst. Kaworu gets put through the ringer, first through his reincarnation, then when he comes back to his original life as something not-quite-human and not-quite-angel. He gets rejected by the humans and rejected by the angels. He rejects himself, poor thing. It makes the ending that much more triumphant.

Oh, and also, that sex scene in the middle part — just sweet and fumbling and cute. Underage is always kind of a murky area — I myself have a tendency to forgot characters are underage at times, because there are so many shows with teenagers saving the world. I’m mostly of the opinion that, in the narrative, if you’re old enough to be facing death on a regular basis you’re old enough to have sex. And it is sweet. I dunno. I was fortunate enough that I had experiences like that — fumbling and embarrassing but ultimately really good memories. So, ah. It’s underage, but it isn’t abusive at all, so I’m not bothered by it.

Anyway, I really like this fic. The happy ending feels earned.

(Looking for more fic recs?)

Originally crossposted on tumblr and pillowfort 09/23/18