sakura_no_miko

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Shiro/Keith, Allura/Lance, Kolivan/Krolia, Hunk/Pidge

Warnings: PTSD, panic attacks, references to eating disorders, suicidal ideation, explicit sex, background character death, grief/mourning

Other notes: hurt/comfort, hurt/recovery, post-war, ensemble, wedding, family, friends, alternating PoV, slow burn

Length: 46k

Summary:

But Shiro doesn’t bring the sun, because that’s Keith. Keith is the one who brings warmth, hidden in the gentleness of his eyes and the curve of his cheekbones. The slope of his smile sets Shiro on fire.
Shiro doesn’t do that. Shiro brings clouds and shadows and rain that’s so fucking cold it seeps into his bones every day and turns them to ice, and it feels like he’s always just one misstep away from shattering against the ground.
God, how he wants to shatter.

In which Shiro and Keith come home from the war and help each other rebuild. Picks up right after Season 7.

*keysmash*

I am emotionally compromised.

I use those particular words, because that is what Spock always says, and I find myself being more Vulcan than I like to admit. I think I spend more of my time repressing emotions than is healthy, and then I hit those days where everything just sort of falls apart and suddenly everything is hitting me hard. Phooey on those days. But also — getting way overly invested in a fic for a few hours is kind of pleasant. Like going to a movie theater, you know? Just forgetting everything else for a bit.

Like this fic. Goddammnit. I think I said Like A Lion was the perfect blend of hurt/comfort, but this fic also ranks really high on the excellent hurt/comfort scale — albeit much more on the hurt side than the comfort. This fic is so painful. My god, I had a take a break partway through, because there’s a good amount of comfort happening, but the pain is kind of relentless and I…

Well, this fic takes a lot of time and effort to illustrate how healing is a process, that ebbs and flows, gets better and worse, and, well. I’m edging towards a “worse” day, or I was when I was reading it so some of that was resonating a little too much.

In fact, I found myself thinking about the tropes of hurt/comfort. There is a very particular style — that you have a character who is hurting very badly, from physical or mental wounds, from internal or external sources, and the biggest thing this character wants is someone to be weak around. I wonder, sometimes — are there so many of us readers and writers who have, I dunno, picked up on this sort of maladaptive behavior? Why do I find myself sympathizing with this plight so much?

And, in a similar situation, would I also be stupid enough to torture myself by getting close to someone, closer, falling in love, and still not being able to say a damn thing to them? …probably yes.

I mean, not to criticize people who write this, because it’s probably my number one favorite trope to read. But it is a trope where it gets under my skin. Me, personally, I mean. It’s a sort of masochism, you know. This idea that it has to be tit-for-tat, that you have to suffer to earn kindness, that you have to save someone else to be saved.

(I know I’m not the only person who thinks about this. I’ve mentioned this fic before, but Leslie Fish’s “This Deadly Innocence (The End of Hurt/Comfort Syndrome)” tackled this in a Star Trek ‘zine in…1979? Whew, further back than I thought.)

But, at the same time, you can’t deny that the intensity of the emotional bonds is so alluring — when you’re allowed a moment of weakness with a trusted partner, and allowed to be strong for them as well. Maybe “maladaptive” is a bit mean. I mean, the maladaptive part is that you feel that you have to earn rest, earn weakness, earn comfort. That you think you’re lesser for showing weakness.

Just — fuck, this fic really nails that mindset, and, you know, you don’t have to be a soldier, the last bastion defending Earth from certain invasion to feel that you have to put up a brave front.

I could pick so many scenes, but I’ll start with one close to the start of the story:

“Hey,” Keith murmurs. “Do you want to try getting up?”
They do, Keith holding him once more. First Pidge, and now Keith. He’s no leader.
“I’m just tired,” Shiro says, straightening up, grasping the lapel of his uniform.
He isn’t Shiro right now, he’s Captain Shirogane of the IGF-Atlas. Shiro is broken and unmendable and Captain Shirogane is a pillar of strength.
“I’ll take you to bed, then,” Keith replies.
Captain Shirogane should say no and find some paperwork, something to keep his hands busy so he doesn’t scratch his skin until he bleeds, except, except—
Except he’s Shiro in this moment, he’s weak, shattered Shiro, and he lets himself be led.

There is… ah, I always waver on this, because really all I can offer are my own personal experiences, but at the same time, do I really want to be airing that out to a random Internet audience all the time? But. Still. Here, we have Shiro, who is physically on the floor, and still, all he can think is, I have to be stronger, better. Let me tell you, anyone who says “mental illness is just in your head” has never found themselves in that position — where you are aware that something is keeping you down, and the world is still moving around you, but you just. can’t. move. Even making the jump from “I can’t move” to “I can’t move right now” is hard — because, in that moment, it seems like everything has just stopped, and the idea of time moving, or things changing, just becomes inconceivable. Even someone else physically moving you seems distant, like something is happening outside of yourself. Very frightening. 0/10, do not recommend.

Actually on that note, there is also one scene towards the end of the fic that kicked my ass so hard when I read it I… I can’t even quote it here, because that’s gonna make it very obvious that…

(It’s the Icarus speech. You already know if you read it.)

That particular two paragraphs — two paragraphs — just captures intrusive thoughts so well. I’m actually trying not to think about it too hard, because it’s that visceral for me. Good visceral, I suppose. A reminder that I’m not the only person who’s had those thoughts or the only person who struggles.

Actually, no that note — man, while this fic delves deeply into Keith and Shiro, the entire team is dealing with PTSD, and it’s both realistic and depressing, because, by the end, everyone is healing but still going back out into a warzone. Or is everyone healing? I don’t even entirely know.

Ah. I wonder, if I were to ask my friends group, if people are healing or struggling, how many people I’d actually guess right. There’s a thought.

Oh, this fic is much too intense. I’m word-splattering especially hard today. This fic kicked my ass and made me very emotional on a particularly challenging day.

Wait, there was one more small thing. On a better note, there was this small detail that caught my eye:

He wishes he hadn’t left the Garrison without saying goodbye properly. Adam had been bound by his duties, but when Keith had been on the brink of expulsion, he had offered his support to Keith. He and Shiro might have cut ties before Shiro left on his ill-fated mission, but Adam had been there anyway, because he knew how much Keith meant to Shiro. Of course, Keith had said no, stubborn and hot-headed and immature, and he’d refused to acknowledge any attempts Adam made at contacting him. Now he’s gone, and there is another burned bridge that will never be mended.

I kinda want to read that fic. I think I wanna see Adam and Keith interacting positively. I may have to go and look through fics, though I’m sure any tag with Adam is half angst and half…I dunno, bitter fan wank? But that could be an interesting scenario. I do favor Shiro and Keith romantically, but I'm not against a fic where Adam and Shiro adopt him instead. or a fic where Adam and Keith are mourning Shiro's supposed death together. heck, I think I'd like to see a fic where Adam and Keith work together to find him. Hmm. I will have to look in to this.

Um, I’m too wiped out for extra fic recs right now.

(Looking for more fic recs?)
Originally posted on pillowfort on 03/11/19