sakura_no_miko

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Utena/Anthy

Warnings: discussion of past abuse (including familial sexual abuse)

Other notes: femslash, post-canon, fix-it fic, amnesia, magic

Length: 7k

Summary: "Rapunzel is lost to you. You will never see her again." The king's son was beside himself with pain, and in his despair he leapt down from the tower. He escaped with his life, but the thorns into which he fell pierced his eyes.

Anthy searches the world for Utena Tenjou.

My thoughts:

Utena was seriously a formative anime for me. It was weirdly prescient. I grew up with fairly religious, conservative grandparents, and, although I didn’t realize until much much later, a ton of misogyny. At my grandparent’s church, only the guys gave sermons. Like, there would be a main speaker, but every week, they’d also have one of the kids/teenagers give a short speech, and it was only guys. Girls could do it in groups, or they could sing hymns, but only the boys got taught, you know, actual giving speeches. I used to hate it. It’s kind of odd to think back on it, since I’m terribly introverted now, but as a child I was loud and I wanted to be in charge and give speeches.

I also knew, in that childish one-minded way, that girls were princesses and got taken care of, and boys were princes and took care of other people. And me, being a brilliant child who had no access to LGBT material, I decided, well, then sometimes I’ll be a boy, and sometimes I will be a girl. If I want to do boy things, I will have to be a boy. I’ll be strong, and I’ll be stoic, and I’ll take care of the girls. Gosh, internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug.

Luckily, by the time I was a teenager the Internet was more accessible, and I was able to read about sexism and socially-constructed gender roles and non-binary genders and, my personal favorite, bisexuality. It’s still an ongoing learning experience, but suddenly things made sense to me.

So,of course, Revolutionary Girl Utena caught my eye. It starts with a young girl being rescued by a prince, who tells her that if she keeps her pure and noble heart, one day they will meet again. And she decides that she’s going to become a prince herself, and rescue a princess. She sees a girl at her school being abused by her boyfriend, and challenges the boyfriend to a fight. Without realizing it, she’s announced herself as the newest challenger in a supernatural tournament, and the girl she wanted to save is the prize.

It’s definitely a show that changes with time, because when I first watched it, I was all about Utena. I understood her. Honestly, she’s kind of a simple character — pure-hearted and truthful and just. She sees a girl who looks like a victim and throws her entire being into saving her, even when the girl in question finally tells her no.

Years later, though, it’s Anthy who comes off as the most fascinating character, and this fic is all about her coming to terms with her past, and her status as both a victim and a perpetrator of abuse. It’s about her trying to get out of the cycle of abuse and regain her own identity.

This fic is just pitch-perfect. Ah. So perfect. The repetition — you have the surface storyline, of flowers growing, and memories coming back. There are notes I didn’t catch until a second or third read. When Utena says,

"I think that's a silly old-fashioned attitude to have and it isn't going to get you anywhere," says Utena, putting her arm over Anthy's shoulders and steering her towards the electronics shop. "Princesses can go on quests too. Or if they can't, people should take it in turns to be princes."

It’s very in-character for Utena, a summation of her basic life philosophy. But it’s also summing up the story to this point —when Anthy talks about princes, she first identifies herself with them — that she ignores seeing people in pain because he isn’t a prince, that when she feels like giving up she reminds herself she needs to be a prince. She also calls Utena her prince, the one who saved and freed her. The princess is already on a quest, and she and Utena have already taken turns to be the prince.

And just, ah, the description of depression is spot-on. I think I mentioned that with one of my Evangelion fics before, but trying to explain the listlessness of depression, the quieter moments of despair. Not necessarily the blinding pain of self-hatred, or even the endless tedium of anhedonia, but the sense that, this is as good as it’s going to get, as good as things can be, as good as I can ever be:

She's never going to find a way to bring Utena's memories back, Anthy thinks. They're gone forever. And Anthy will never tell her the whole truth, will never be able to. Perhaps this is the best she'll get, this sweet normal version of Utena, a kind of normal life. Perhaps this is the best she ever could get. It's certainly better than believing Utena dead. It's much better. It's a good thing that Anthy is so used to resigning herself to situations, otherwise she might find this difficult when really she's lucky even to have this much.
She doesn't deserve everything. No one deserves everything.
Deep in her mind, a voice that sounds a little like Utena and a little like Dios from a thousand years ago and perhaps a little like her own as well says, Yes you do. You deserve everything good.
This is good, Anthy tells herself, and the voice of the prince in her heart answers, protests, cries out, But it's not right!

I wonder if I should be worried at just how many times I’ve said,“this is exactly what depression feels like,” in my fic recs.

But, again, this has a happy ending. It takes ten years of loneliness, after who knows how many years of abuse, for Anthy to chose to leave, to chose to save herself, and to chose to pursue a relationship withsomeone else who can offer her genuine love.

And even then, everything still has a slightly bittersweet taste, because it’s a happy ending, yes, but it’s also just one more step on a long road to recovery.

"You hear a great many stories about the power of love," Anthy says,"but not many people tell you about the power of leaving. It exists, though, all the same. It has to, if you think about it. Love is so wonderful, like saying yes with your whole heart to someone. But if it's impossible to say no instead, then the yes becomes meaningless. Even cruel."
Chu-Chu has given up on walkies and set his spider free. "Chu," he says sadly as he watches it scuttle away.
Anthy looks back at Utena, who's staring at her with parted lips. She finds more words rising up inside her, true words, words she didn't know she had. "The power of leaving is the dark sad power that stands back to back with love, just like night stands back to back with day.It's very important to give it its place. Otherwise love becomes poisoned."

It’s more striking that Anthy holds on to her love for Utena, even after she realizes the power of leaving. She leaves her brother, after thousands of years, and there’s power in that. She searches and waits and grows for ten more years after that, waiting for Utena, and there’s power in that.

Just— ugh, this is such a perfect endcap to the series.

(Looking for more fic recs?)

Originally crossposted on tumblr and pillowfort on 10/04/18