sakura_no_miko | Fic Rec

Rating: R

Pairing: past Dorian/Felix, Iron Bull/Male Adaar, Iron Bull/Male Adaar/Dorian

Warnings: character death, spousal death, grieving, mentions of suicidal thoughts, use of safewords during sex, explicit sex (gay)

Other notes: dating, polyamory, slow burn, modern day au

Length: 90k, plus ongoing sequel

Summary: Dorian is trying to get back into dating, but his hopes and plans are derailed as he finds himself drawn in by a wonderful Qunari couple that he meets, Adaar and the Iron Bull.

Or, a modern Thedas fic where Dorian finds himself in the middle of a Qunari sandwich.

My thoughts:

I actually haven’t played this game. Is it odd to read fics for fandoms I’m not actually in? It’s probably odder to write for fandoms I’m not in. Hmm.

Still, while I can’t really say if this fic is accurate in terms of canon or characterization, I enjoyed reading it, and that’s enough for a rec.

Let’s see. I really enjoy the world-building in this one — you have a chapter in a noisy sports bar, a chapter in a library, chapters at home. All the environments feel very detailed. There’s also the ongoing reminders that Dorian is living as expatriate. Just these little touches — that he’s the only one who shows up in his home’s sport team’s jersey, that he crossed paths with another character at an import food store.

Actually, all the loss Dorian is experiencing really coalesces together — the loss of his husband, being away from his homeland, getting back into social gatherings after being isolated. When I was re-reading this, I was stuck at home with a nasty cold. I wasn’t in the best mood. Tired, aching, feeling like a useless sack of crap, you know. And this fic got me very close to crying several times. I mean, being stuck at home alone really isn’t anywhere near being widowed in terms of angst, but — yeah, I’m not sure this was the best reading material. I kept veering between being outrageously jealous over not having two gorgeous people to cuddle with and generally moping over my ex’s. The last chapter just about wrecked me. It is goddamned visceral. I try and re-read fics just to make sure my warnings are accurate, and I’d had this tagged for “background character death” until I hit that last chapter.

(brief spoiler for the last chapter)

I’d read this fic before. I recognized bits of the chapter, but I’d forgotten that flashback scene to Felix’s death. It’s — it wrecks me, it does. The contrast between their wedding day and Felix dying — just read that phrase. Wedding day and death.

(end brief spoiler)

(I was also working on a small ficlet about breaking up and loss, and I have to admit, reading this made me feel somewhat inadequate. Like, reading this story about grief and loss of a husband made my silly little drabble about a first break-up seem small. Not that I was dissuaded from writing. It really is writing about events on two different levels. I just… like I was simultaneously inspired by this fic, because the author was making me feel a lot of the emotions I was trying to convey in my own story, but also there’s that little sense of, man, I really need to up my skills to get this good in my own writing.)

Actually, isn’t it fascinating how Felix is a noticeable character through the entire fic, despite being dead? I still feel like I went through his and Dorian’s relationship as much as I did Dorian and Bull and Adaar’s.

Ah, I feel like any one of these things could be worth writing a paragraph. Like, I’ve only traveled briefly in my life, so I can’t say I fully understand what it’s like to live as an expatriate. I know what its like to briefly be in a place where I don’t speak the language or understand the customs. That sense of loneliness and alienation. Although, much like Dorian, when I was traveling I was at least with people I loved, so there was kind of this little insulating bubble. I never felt completely alone. I can only imagine how that sort of loneliness grates and grows on you.

I like how Dorian’s magic is used in the story. This part made me giggle:

Downtown Skyhold was insufferably crowded that afternoon, eager Redcliffe fans dressed in red and white were migrating towards their favorite bars and the Hanged Man was no exception as Fereldans made their way inside. Dorian regretted driving into the city as he was forced to drive around the surrounding city blocks more than once and his ire rose at the sight of a spot on the street blocked by a poorly parked car. He finally pulled over to the side as if he was able to parallel park and very careful tapped into his mana, then ever so gently, pushed the other car forward until there was enough space for him to squeeze his own car in.

Like, man, who doesn’t want to do that. And, you see what I mean about the environment? It’s the details — how busy the bars are during a sports game, and how obvious it is why people are there, what a pain in the ass it is to find parking on such a night, and how a normally just-annoying-thing is suddenly that one thing that blows your top off. Because it’s already crowded, and noisy, and everyone supports this other team and you, sir, had the audacity to park like an asshole. You know, that feeling.

And, ah, the pacing is very pleasant. Like, you get that immediate attraction between Dorian and Adaar and Bull, that first rush of attraction and lust and, oh, right, this is what it’s like to be happy and interested and adoring and adored. But it’s also nice that it takes some time for the deeper feelings to develop — that Dorian is still working through his feelings and his grieving, that there’s the individual relationships between himself and Adaar and Bull, but also the relationship of all three of them, and each one has its own difficulties.

Agh. Man, this cold. I swear I’m usually better at writing these fic recs. I was kind of hoping, you know, being housebound I’d have more time to do some really nice, deep-reaching fic recs but instead everything is just cotton-y in my head.

But— yeah, pacing. Pacing of the relationships. Pacing of the angst —or more accurately, the grieving process. Of course grieving varies for everyone. But in this fic you get the sense of both the long-term effects — how Dorian still talks to Felix, how he sometimes just doesn’t even know where to begin with a new relationship, how he sometimes gets so lost in the grief the only recourse is to get drunk. But there’s also that light at the end of the tunnel, the part where you start to accept and move on. He talks to Felix, but it isn’t tinged with guilt. We know the grief was worse before the story began — Cole obliquely references suicidal ideation at a couple of points — and, oh, that horrible, wonderful last chapter, ugh.

There’s kind of a thing with hurt/comfort where, how do I put this? Like, it feels like it’s okay to accept the comfort because you were hurt. This really isn’t a healthy way of thinking, but it is one that always appealed to me, especially when I was younger. I kind of had an issue with being macho when I was younger. In my head, you were supposed to be strong and stoic, because, well, it meant you weren’t weak. And when I got into yaoi and slash fic, part of the appeal was the idea that both participants were men, they were both strong, and because of that, they could be weak? Hurt/comfort has a similar vibe, sometimes — like the toughest character earns that moment of tenderness by suffering.

To be fair, This Deadly Innocence explains the concept far better than I ever will.

I’m not saying that’s what this author was going for. Actually, I’m pretty sure it isn’t. But — it ends up seeming more balanced, in a way? Like there’s all this suffering and grieving so the happy ending ends up seeming even more happy. Kintsugi,perhaps.

Actually, slow burn has that in common with hurt/comfort — the longer we have to wait for the happy ending, the more trials, the better the payoff.

And speaking of payoff, the sequel just started. Come, join me in waiting for further chapters.

Oh, and also. Um. Usually I try and rec similar fics, and I know I've read a ton of threesome fics, but the first two that popped into my mind were It's All Good News Now and Package Delivery, both by the same author. Both of them involved multiple couples and polyamory negotiations, which remind me of this fic. I've also read way too many DA:I fics, so I'll probably circle back here in a bit.

(Looking for more fic recs?)
Originally crossposted on tumblr and pillowfort on 09/30/18

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